50 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO THE FRIENDLY POLICE OFFICER

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer

2. Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People ?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to catch me -- Good job !

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead

7. Your name sure sounds familiar.. You don't happen to have a daughter, do you?

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?

11. Is it true that guys become cops because they aren't smart enough to work at McDonald's?

12. I pay your salary!

13. So... uh... you on the take, or what ?

14. Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too

15. Do you know why you pulled me over ? OK, just so one of us does

16. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking ?" You're the trained specialist

17. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

18. Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum !

19. Hey, I get one of them full body cavity searches ?

20. Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in ?

21. You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me

22. Are You Andy or Barney?

23. I was trying to keep up with traffic [...] Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

24. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doghnuts?"

25. So, what's a good bribe go for around here?

26. Do you know where I can buy a good radar detector?

27. If you think this car's fast wait until you see my corvette!

28. Can you just put that ticket in the large box in the back seat with the rest of my tickets?

29. Boy I'm surprised your here - Dunkin Donuts is having a 3 for 1 sale

30. How long is this gonna take? Your wife is expecting me

31. Please hurry up - the liquor store closes in five min.

32. No, I don't know how fast I was going.. The speed gage stops at 110 .

33. What do you use those rubber gloves for?

34. I know I was weaving, but I had to hit all the little green men!

35. Back of Barney, I've got a piece.

36. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

37. No, YOU assume the position, piggy!

38. Bad cop! No donut!

39. That uniform makes your ass look really big.

40. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

41. Let's do it different this time... I will give *you* the breathalizer test. Now stick this in your mouth and blow.

42. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

43. Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.

44. So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

45. So, are you still cwabby because your mamma didn't let you pway with your gun when you were wittle?

46. Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.

47. Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about best of three?

48. Met your quota? Happy now?

49. I want your badge number and your superior officer's name right now!

50. If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast!