If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!

When I was about in the third grade I used to play with matches all the time. Then one day, something made me stop. I accidentally scraped one across a rough surface and it caught on fire.

I think the things you remember most are the little things, like that little space guy I kept tied up down in the basement. That little guy was only five inches tall! He used to beg me to untie his rope, but I knew he'd just run away if I did. I think the cat finally got him. but the cat had little burn marks on him, from where the space guy shot him with his little gun, before his ammo ran out. I remember things like that.

One thing I always felt bad about was kicking grandma in the head. But what was her head doing right by the football like that? And how did the football get in her bed?

I think we should make the world a safer place for our children but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Better not take a dog on a space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, he might burn up.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

If you ever fall off of the Empire State Building, go limp because then people might think you're a dummy and try to catch you, because hey, free dummy!


 

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.