Happy Gilmore

HAPPY GILMORE QUOTES

Grandma: Can I trouble you for a worm glass of milk it helps put me to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up. Now you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag, your in my world now grandma.

Virginia: What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: I didn't *break* it, I was merely testing its durability, and I *placed* it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I wanted it to be near its family.

Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What's that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt? ...I didn't think so.

Happy Gilmore: During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.

Grandma: What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she's dead. She got hit by a car.

Happy Gilmore: You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.

Happy Gilmore: [to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch!

Happy Gilmore: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah.
[Virginia shoots puck and scores]
Happy Gilmore: Holy shit. Talk about your all time back-fires.

Shooter: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?

Happy Gilmore: If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

Happy Gilmore: I was on this tour for one reason - money - but now I've got a new reason: kicking your ass!

Shooter: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
Happy Gilmore: [laughing] you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter: No!

Chubbs: It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore: Get off of me!
Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby! Just easing the tension.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.

Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good!
Happy Gilmore: I am good! You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher! I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK!

Happy Gilmore: Son of a bitch ball! Why can't you go home? Aren't you good enough for your home? Answer me! Suck my white ass ball!

Chubbs: Golf requires concentration and focus.
Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass.
Chubbs: I'll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn't have a shot at joining the pro tour, and winning the championships. Get that gold jacket like I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?

Mr. Larson: That's two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter: Oh, you can count! Good for you!
Mr. Larson: And YOU can count, on ME, waiting for YOU in the parking lot.

Virginia: What the hell is going on here
Happy Gilmore: Erm... I was just looking for the other half of this bottle. Oh! There's some... and some more.

Happy Gilmore: You're gonna die, clown!

[An alligator eats Happy's ball]
Happy Gilmore: That Son of a Bitch! Give me my ball, come on, pop it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I'm gonna.. give the ball, alligator. Hey, you've got one eye, Chubbs. You took his hand.

Happy Gilmore: I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the wrost. You're very good-looking. I'm not very attractive.

Donald: Hey Gilmore, you suck ya jackass!
Happy Gilmore: Why don't you shut the hell up.

[During a fight with Bob Barker]
Happy Gilmore: Now your gonna get it Bobby!

Happy Gilmore: You like that old man? You want a piece of me!!
Bob Barker: I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing!

Chubbs: Spoken like a true asshole

taken from here: http://sawesomeford.tripod.com/andrewsafford2/id1.html

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